Stigmatized
by Nymph Du Pave
Summary: ~COMPLETE~ Slash: Angst, Drama, [w/ a lil' bit o' Romance]. What if Lex -had- taken Lionel's offer to head to Metropolis? Starts with an alternate ending to 'Stray' and goes completely AU from there. Chapters Seven, Eight and the Epilogue are up.
1. Prologue: Out of Desperation

TITLE: Stigmatized (1/10) [incl. prologue & epilogue]   
AUTHOR: Nymph Du Pave   
FANDOM: Smallville   
PAIRING: Lex Luthor/Clark Kent.   
RATING: PG-13   
WARNING: Future fic/AU.   
SUMMARY: What if Lex had taken his father up on his offer and had gone to Metropolis?   
DISCLAIMER: The WB, DC Comics, MillarGoughInk, Tolin, Robbins, and Davola [along with whomever else] own this wonderfully cute show. I am merely borrowing the characters to use in my own evil ways and will try to return them as mentally cognizant and stable as when I took them [with the exception of the incredibly handsome and elegant Michael Rosenbaum of whom I might never let go ;)], but I can't make any promises. The Muse controls these fingers.   
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I swear I don't know where this is coming from. Yeesh. My muse has the weirdest freakin' taste. Whew!   
AUTHOR'S THANKS: To Lyle, my bestest test audience. I'm so very, very sorry I made fun of you.   
FEEDBACK: "On the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah, I do my little turn on the catwalk." Tell me how it was, huh ;) ?   
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com 

* * *

** Stigmatized**   
** by Nymph Du Pave**

PROLOGUE:   
_ Out of Desperation_

He sat next to Lex, smelling Lex, hearing Lex, wanting Lex. He wondered… He wondered if Lex felt the same. 

Maybe it was time he found out. 

The older boy ran his hand over the familiar smooth palate. "You're acting as if I really have a choice, Clark." 

"Lex, you do. You always have a choice." 

"Clark-" 

"Just say 'no'." He said this with a humored smile, well aware of the implications and not caring. Lionel Luthor was the worst kind of drug there was. "You don't want to go, so tell him no." 

"You don't understand the influence my father has on my future." Lex pushed himself off of the back of the creaky, blue truck. They were in the middle of one of dozens of cornfields. Lex looked like he just wanted to get lost here. 

"I-" 

"He could make me miserable, Clark. He could fire me, falsify statistical reports… plant evidence that would force me back into his open fucking arms." The bitterness in this last option told Clark that Lionel had already resorted to these means at least once. 

He felt rooted to the truck. Lex was going to leave. Lex was going to leave him for Lionel and the city if he didn't do something about it now. "So quit working for him entirely. You said that your mother left you an inheritance that he can't touch." 

"Millions," Lex said absently. 

"So invest, do what you want." Clark said softly. "Be Lex Luthor instead of Alexander Joseph Luthor, son of Lionel." 

He saw that he was, for a moment, getting to Lex and he wasn't going to lose his chance. "It's just life, Lex, but on the same token, what else is there? You have to break away from him eventually. You have to take your chance now." 

He wasn't sure if this last sentence was said for his own good or Lex's but it didn't matter. He slid off of the back of the truck. 

Lex turned to face him, hands in his heavy black coat, breath pluming out into the night air. 

_So damn gorgeous_, thought Clark. He licked his lips looking at Lex's and slowly treading forward. The boy was his best friend; dark and needy and mysterious. Wise and caring beyond what others saw. And Clark was in love. He knew that everything could be better, that he could make Lex so happy… If only the older boy allowed it. 

"Maybe I don't know how to break away, Clark." Lex's voice was choked with emotion. He swallowed, not bothering to blink away the tears welling up. He knew he didn't need to hide anything from Clark and that touched Clark deeply. "What if I-" 

"You won't, Lex." He stepped within a foot and a half from Lex. "You're nothing like him, you'll never be anything like him." 

Lex's breath hitched and he looked over Clark's shoulder. "I love the trust you have in me, Clark-" 

"Love. I want to talk to you about that." 

"-but you're only fifteen and I-" 

"I _really _need to talk to about-" 

"-and I'll betray you, Clark," he finished harshly. He turned from Clark to survey the darkened sky, stars bright, absent was the dilution that city light's enforced. 

"Lex, you would never-" 

"I have to go. End of story."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter One: Whoa...

TITLE: Stigmatized (2/10) [incl. prologue & epilogue]   
AUTHOR: Nymph Du Pave   
FANDOM: Smallville   
PAIRING: Lex Luthor/Clark Kent.   
RATING: PG-13   
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com 

* * *

** Stigmatized**   
** by Nymph Du Pave**

CHAPTER ONE:   
_Whoa…_

**~_3 years later~_**

"I really don't think so, Clark." 

Clark breathed in deeply, trying to calm his growing frustration. He caught a whiff of Lana's raspberry shampoo and it calmed him, as did her cool palm on his upper arm. 

He restrained the urge to crack his neck. "Mr. Kastin, I used to watch your father do it all the time. He came over to my house, slipped under the sink and fixed it within 25 minutes. For free, no less. Now, I wouldn't ask that of you, but please. Tell me you can do it faster than this- this _four hours _bull." 

Larry smiled smooth as glass. Only Lana's hand kept him from throwing the smug, thirty-year-old bastard out of the Talon. 

"First of all, my father had been doing this for thirty, forty years. And if he had to come back again and again…" He held his palms up in a shrug. "Maybe he wasn't as good as he thought. Or better than _you_ thought." 

Clark ignored the man's insinuation that his own father had been taking the Kents for a ride. "It was a different pipe almost every time. Our pipes at the farm are old and we couldn't afford to replace them-" 

"Well, she can afford to replace these," he interrupted nodding to Lana. Clark's blood started to boil. Lana's hand tightened on his arm and he knew it was out of anger, not restraint. 

He was about to step forward and let his fabricated but far more intimidating nature shine through when he was interrupted by a voice as cool and smooth as Larry's smile. 

At the first sign of the voice that smile disappeared. 

"Actually, Lar, she can't. See, she's not the owner. _I_ am." 

Clark's inner rage subsided and was replaced by pure shock. He was positive that he was hearing things, that the voice he heard, couldn't have been… Just simply couldn't have been. 

He looked up into the mirror on the wall opposite him and his green eyes met clear blue ones. 

_Lex._

Larry swallowed with an audible click. "Well, then there's no question that the Talon can afford to replace the pipes." 

Lex stopped next to Clark, so close that his black blazer brushed Clark's bare arm. It was more comfort than Clark could believe. 

_No. Don't let him do this._

Something inside him began to… to knot together. 

"Once again, Mr. Kentin, you-" 

"It's Kastin." 

Lex looked thoughtful, then a thin-lipped smile crossed his features. "Once again, Mr. Kastin, you're wrong." He walked towards the Talon's bar. "You see, I can afford the fixtures, as can my father. But the Talon…" he shook his head. "It's very popular, but to let you in on a little secret, it's been having a few financial downers. Just a bad season." He gave a genuine smile to Lana who was just as shocked to see him here as Clark. 

Clark could have sworn Lex's gaze seemed to linger on the girl's hand, still on Clark's arm, before it swerved back to Kastin, countenance growing chilly. 

"I'm a businessman," he continued. "Neither my father nor I maintain the quality of our surnames by way of charity." 

Kastin shifted on his feet. "Well, then you understand, Mr. Luthor, that it'll cost-" 

"I'll do it," interrupted Clark, surprising himself. 

Larry barked out a sharp and unpleasant laugh. "You?" 

"Clark?" Lana's voice was collected and her hand moved from his arm. 

He turned to her. "Yeah?" 

She looked up to him with her eyebrows raised. "Do you know what you're saying? Would you know what to do?" 

"Of course." He grinned at her big brown eyes, wanting to be the hero again. He liked being important to her, being important to someone other than his parents. She'd been his best friend for the past two years, since he, Pete and Chloe had their gradual growing apart, all three heading in different directions. Since Lex had left him. Turned on him. 

Betrayed him. 

Lana knew Clark, everything he had inside, and he never felt as though he could do enough for her. The way she held the light for him, even on his absolute worst days… "I wouldn't have offered if I didn't know what I was doing." 

"I'm sure." Larry laughed again. He brushed past Clark and stopped next to Lana, handing her his card. "Give me a ring when the kid's done making it worse." 

As Kastin walked out, Clark met the eyes of a very amused Lex. 

"You're kidding me, right?" Lex started. 

Clark glared at Lex and the surprised older man took a step back. _Three years and this is what I get from you? _Clark thought. _Like you never left? Like I just saw you in the Beanery yesterday? What the fuck?_

"Clark," Lana moved to stand in front of him. 

He looked down at her, glare melting away and a small smile filling it's place. "Yeah?" 

Clark saw Lex's reaction over the top of Lana's head. His eyes were darkening over. He didn't like it that Lana got the attention first. 

_Comes back here after so long, expects all the attention. A big 'hurrah' no doubt. A 'look! The rich boy's back' and an innocent little farmboy to fall at his knees and beg forgiveness for the stupid things he'd done, the rift he'd caused_. 

Well, Clark hadn't been innocent in a very long time and had no intention of giving Luthor what he wanted. 

He let his hand brush back a strand of chestnut hair from Lana's face. Since his feelings for her were full of nothing but friendly intent, touches like these were allowed and often reciprocated. They were okay, seen as something borne of more brotherly affection than anything else. She knew where his heart and heat resided. But that didn't mean Lex had to know why touches came freely from both ends. Clark was going to give Lana all the attention she needed, just like he would if Lex hadn't suddenly dropped in. 

_Screw him_. 

"Please, Clark." She held up the plumber's card. "Don't make me use this." 

"I won't. And don't be worried. I'm not," he lied. The look on her face proved she knew him too damn well to fall for his reassuring sweet talk. He held up his hands in surrender. "Look, I'll go get my father and his tools. Okay?" 

She smiled at him and he saw Lex shift out of the corner of his eye. He was either uncomfortable at Clark's closeness with Lana, or impatient with being ignored. 

_ Try _three fucking years _of being ignored, Luthor, _he thought. 

Lana shook her head. "No, I- I don't want to keep using your father. He's got enough-" 

"Not _nearly_ enough," he said cupping her face. "Trust me. He loves helping. And you pay well." 

She rolled her eyes. "Nell's brownies are horrible." 

"Yeah, but the free flowers surprise my mom." Hs shook his head. "Although I could live without the romantic aftermath." 

Lana giggled, an action becoming more and more common as their friendship grew, and he kissed her forehead. "I'll be back, okay?" 

She nodded and Clark dropped his hand. He walked out the door of the Talon not even bothering to look at Lex.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter Two: As If You Really Matter

TITLE: Stigmatized (3/10) [incl. prologue & epilogue]   
AUTHOR: Nymph Du Pave   
FANDOM: Smallville   
PAIRING: Lex Luthor/Clark Kent.   
RATING: PG-13   
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com 

* * *

** Stigmatized**   
** by Nymph Du Pave**

CHAPTER TWO:   
_As if You Really Matter_

"You're not worried?" 

Clark looked both ways for traffic, then crossed the street, heading towards his truck. "Nope." He didn't even bother to look back or sound interested. 

He heard feet jogging right behind him. "You know how to fix pipes?" 

"Yup." _Sometimes_, he added to himself. He unlocked and opened the car door, trying to forget the fiasco he caused at home when he had tried to fix a leaky shower head. The Kent Farm had briefly become The Kent Water Park. 

"Wow." A pause. "So, I- uh, see you and Lana…" 

Clark still knew Lex well enough to detect the slight strain in his deep, casual voice. He ignored it. 

"Yeah," he confirmed, still not looking at the older man. 

"When?" 

"About three years ago." He didn't bother mentioning that he was talking about their friendship when he knew Lex was indicating a more romantic involvement. It was none of Lex Luthor's business. 

"Right after I left?" 

There was hurt there, obvious and deep, and he was surprised that a) it was there in the first place and b) that Lex hadn't tried to hide it. 

He turned to find something in Lex's eyes, something like agony. Clark almost felt sorry for the older man until he remembered the cardboard box at home with all of his 'return to sender' letters. All of the phone calls and messages that went unanswered. 

_Fuck you_, Clark thought. 

"I'm kinda busy here. What do you want?" His heart was starting to hurt. Never in his life had he been so openly cold to someone, so truly spiteful. He wished that it would feel a little good, like Lex deserved this, but it didn't. It just wasn't in Clark's nature to be vengeful. And when Lex looked this out of it, this sad and depressed, his natural instinct was to want to help. To want to wrap his arms around Lex and soothe him. 

_He boycotted your presence in his life._

That was all he needed as a reminder. 

"I was just wondering-" 

Clark got in the truck. 

"-if, you know, we could maybe talk, Clark." 

He closed the door and stuck the keys in the ignition. 

"I have a lot to say." 

"Do you?" He made sure his voice was as condescending and uninterested as possible. 

"Yes, Clark." 

He ignored the feelings that begged to be set free at Lex's use of his name. "Everything's still about you, huh, Luthor?" he snapped. 

Lex flinched and stepped back. Clark saw Lana standing in the window and knew she would have approved if he'd just decked the wealthy man right there in the club in front of Kastin. She hated Lex for the way he had wrecked Clark. 

"Well, not with me," he finished looking straight into Lex's eyes. "Not anymore. Nothing's about you anymore." 

He started the car and took off, heading towards his house.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter Three: Last of the Innocence

TITLE: Stigmatized (4/10) [incl. prologue & epilogue]   
AUTHOR: Nymph Du Pave   
FANDOM: Smallville   
PAIRING: Lex Luthor/Clark Kent.   
RATING: PG-13   
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com 

* * *

** Stigmatized**   
** by Nymph Du Pave**

CHAPTER THREE:   
_Last of the Innocence_

He got halfway home before the shaking became uncontrollable and he had to just stop. He didn't want to stay out in the middle of the road, so he pulled over and onto a nearby dirtroad situated inside a cornfield. 

He got out of the truck and walked around it, cooling off the shakes. For the most part they subsided within a few minutes, not including the tremors that deepened and shook his body, threatening to send him to his knees. He walked to the back of the truck, opened the tailgate and sat down. 

Part of him wondered what he was worth to Lex, how far Lex would go to befriend him again. That part of him wanted badly to see Lex's flashy sports car drive by him at a breakneck speed, heading to the Kent Farm. 

He breathed in realizing how hard it was going to be for as long as Lex was in town. 

_Man_, he thought pulling his knees up to his chin. _It's been a long time. He might look the same… Same clothes, same face, same smooth, sexy head, but he's a different person. Metropolis changed him and… and he never answered your calls. _His stomach flipped bitterly. _He never wrote you back. Never even bothered to read the letters you sent. The- _he swallowed, his throat thick and tight with unwanted and restrained emotion_- apologies you repeatedly sent._

For the first year and a half Clark sent a letter every other week apologizing for his actions. He would have continued but Lana found out and made him see the sense of the situation. It wasn't his fault at all. He hadn't really done anything wrong. It took months and months to convince him of this, but it eventually did happen. His staunch promise to Lana to not send anymore letters to Lex kept him from doing just that no matter how desperately he wanted to. 

_How much could he care?_

Clark breathed in and for the first time recognized just how horrible his choice in breakdown spots was. It was a cornfield, late in the day and he was sitting in the back of the truck. 

It was too close to the situation he'd been in the last time he'd spoken with Lex. Before the Talon this afternoon. 

He tried to force the memories away, but they wouldn't leave. They just seeped into his conscious. He relaxed as best as he could, lying down in the truck bed and leaving his eyes open to the darkening blue sky.   
  


_"I have to go. End of story."_   
  


Lex's voice rang out and the pounding in Clark's head ceased. It was time he just let things come back. If Lex was here now, Clark had to remember the humiliation, the hurt the older boy had caused. That way he'd remember not to forgive Lex and his beautiful blue eyes.   
  


_"I have to go. End of story."_

_He grabbed Lex's arm. This was his only chance. His last chance. There was no way he was going to lose the only person that managed to touch him so deeply, that managed to invade his thoughts constantly. The one person that he knew he could converse with about anything and that made him happy just by being there._

_"Lex-" Tears spilled down pale, almost luminescent cheeks and Clark's forceful mood broke._

_ "Don't do this, Clark." Lex's voice was weak and crackling._

_Clark's breath sped up. Lex really thought that Clark would allow him to leave. Worse than that, he saw Clark as having no influence at all. "Please…" Clark whispered, finally realizing the desperate situation he was in. Lex was going to leave him. "Don't go."_

_"I-"_

_"No! Enough about you and your fucking father, Lex!" He yelled, not bothering to step away. "Let's talk about _me_. Me and my fears. I- I can't lose you."_

_Lex looked astonished. "What?"_

_"You're my best friend and I love you."_

_Lex's lip trembled. "Jesus, Clark. Not now. I don't need to hear this."_

_"Don't need to hear it?! Don't need to- Yes, you do. And I need to say it. You're here for a reason. Destiny, Lex. You said it yourself. And I-" His voice softened and he dipped his head closer to Lex's pressing his forehead to the cool skin opposite him. His blood pumped through his body, a surge to his groin that he tried to ignore. "I need that destiny."_

_Lex's breath quickened and his eyes fluttered half-closed. "Don't-" he breathed._

_"I need you."_

_"You don-"_

_His lips were there, against Lex's. Everything his little heart had ever wanted. "I do," he said against the softness, not even caring about the way that his voice cracked, or the way that his stomach trembled. It was all good. There was nothing but peace in this. Peace and purity._

_"God," Lex whispered and Clark used the breach in the older boy's lips to slip through. He let his tongue delve straight in and ravage the mouth. He had often dreamed that their first kiss would be soft and sweet, full of sexual tension. Slow and during the summer. This frenzy and heartache was not supposed to be there, but it was and Clark wanted Lex to take it away. All with a kiss and a promise._

_Clark grabbed Lex's upper arms and kissed him hard, putting all that an inexperienced and scared fifteen year old kid could into kissing someone older and more wizened. But he didn't care. He was in love._

_After a moment he noticed that Lex was not kissing him back. Pulling away he found Lex as stiff as a board. The older boy clenched his jaw._

_"What's the matter," Clark asked, honestly fearful. Had he done wrong?_

_"What the hell was that?" Lex hissed._

_"I kissed you. I mean, you-" Clark was suddenly getting bad vibes and instantly became defensive. "Why didn't you try and push me away if you didn't want me to?"_

_"I did," Lex sneered. "You have any idea how strong you are?"_

_Clark was silent, his heart was deafening him. Lex didn't want to kiss him? Didn't want to hold his hand or let Clark spend all of forever trying to please him? Lex didn't want Clark's love?_

_Something was amiss here. It had to be._

_"That's what you were going to do to try and make me stay?"_

_"Yes," he breathed and he felt the beginning of tears. He didn't like the tone of Lex's voice at all._

_"That was it? Hell, Kent, you with your family's financial situation, had a better chance trying to buy me."_

_Clark felt physically ill. Why was Lex treating him like this? Had he misread every look, every smile he'd seen coming from Lex? He'd gotten so hot and hard from just the memory of some of Lex's gazes. So suggestive. So wanton and full of promise. He couldn't be wrong about the way Lex felt about him._

_Right?_

_"I'm leaving, Clark," Lex spit out his name as if he'd never been more disgusted in his life. He turned to go._

_Clark would never get over the embarrassment of his next action, one that showed just how desperate he was to keep Lex in his life._

_He fell to his knees on the dirt ground and gripped Lex tightly by his waist, sobbing. He shut his eyes tight and pressed his face to Lex's abdomen. "I'm so sorry, Lex. I was stupid, so fucking stupid. I'll never do it again, okay? I'm sorry, just- don't go. Don't leave me."_

_Lex was still stiff under his arms. "Let go, Clark," he said coldly._

_"No, I-"_

_"Let go before you embarrass yourself even more. You're making an ass of yourself out here."_

_Clark let go, feeling as if his stomach had been loaded down with green meteor rocks._

_He tried one last time, calling out weakly to Lex's back. "What about our destiny?"_

_Lex laughed bitterly. "I was wrong, Kent. Very, very wrong."_

_Clark felt his heart break._

_Without another word, Lex got in his silver Aston Martin and drove off, passing Clark on his knees, face in his hands, weeping openly._   
  
  
  
  
  
  


**More to come very, very soon.**


	5. Chapter Four: Mending

TITLE: Stigmatized (5/10) [incl. prologue & epilogue]   
AUTHOR: Nymph Du Pave   
FANDOM: Smallville   
PAIRING: Lex Luthor/Clark Kent.   
RATING: PG-13   
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry about the posting scedule here. This was supposed to be posted the very next day. Damn FF.Net. Oh, well. I intend to post the ending either tomorrow or Wednesday :)   
FEEDBACK: Thank you so much for the nice reviews :) Hope you guys like the next few chapters!   
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com 

* * *

** Stigmatized**   
** by Nymph Du Pave**

CHAPTER FOUR:   
_Mending_

He skipped school the next day. Ran to the Luthor Mansion and got the news that Lex had already cleared out. He asked for a forwarding address. The lady asked for his name and as soon as it passed his lips her face grew blank but stern. "I'm sorry," she said. "-but I'm afraid you're not privy to that information." 

He spent the next week in bed. He'd never been sick before and now he was utterly unresponsive. He didn't eat or drink a single thing. He scared his parents horribly, especially Martha. The last night of his "sickness" he heard his father trying so very hard to console his mother, but Martha wasn't having it. She just cried and yelled and exhausted herself until she fainted into sleep. 

The next morning both his father and mother awoke to a huge breakfast and all of the chores done. There was a little note on the table with the words 'I'm sorry' scrawled on it. 

Clark went back to school, but was still despondent. He never said a word unless it was absolutely necessary. His friendships were floundering because he couldn't bring himself to care about Pete's conquests of the feminine nature or Chloe's newest addition to the 'Wall of Weird'. Nothing seemed to be that important when it came to them. They acted so happy and carefree with the occasional teenage angst. 

Clark couldn't handle it. 

His grades, however, he could handle. They were steadily getting better and he started taking more advanced classes, driving him and his old best friends apart. He rarely ever saw them 

Ryan had called several times. It was the only time that Clark could really find himself able to talk freely, though not about anything important. Ryan was too young, and Clark was thankful that the kid couldn't read the surface of his mind. 

The most surprising thing to outsiders like Chloe and Pete and even Lana, was that Clark became closer to Whitney. Neither of them seemed to be able to have any fun in their lives. They never smiled, never really spoke. Whitney finally broke up with Lana, severing the single tie to a social life that he'd held on to. She was semi-relieved as she could have done nothing for him. She'd tried but he needed something else. Something she couldn't give him. 

Clark and he started sitting together at lunch, eating not saying a word. Whitney asked Clark to help him in math and Clark did. They started lounging in the barn after awhile. Clark even got a part-time job at Fordman's just so he and Whitney could keep each other close. 

It was a sort of comfort. They rarely spoke of anything, but when they did the talks were long, tearful and deep. Clark never told Whitney what had happened. They didn't have that kind of a deal. But they discussed feeling useless, dead, like life was shit. It was a strange relationship, but one that neither wanted to do without. 

Then Clark realized that Whitney was either going to off himself or grow old and miserable. He also knew that Whitney was right when he said that it was Smallville doing it to him. It took a month of prodding, but Clark had finally convinced him to sell the shop, take his mother and move to California. 

When he did, Whitney wrote him, but Clark knew it was becoming to be out of politeness. After a few months, Clark stopped replying. Whitney didn't need a tie to what had made him so miserable. Whitney had moved on and that was what he needed. Clark had received a simple postcard of a beach not too long afterwards with the word 'Thanks' written in familiar handwriting. It had taken awhile, but Whitney had grown up. 

Right after Whitney left, Clark realized how very alone he was and found himself in a deeper depression than ever. He still went to school because if he didn't he was sure that he would have just stayed in the barn wasting away. 

Clark got horribly angry one night, thinking of the waste that his life had become. Thinking about how when he passed Chloe and Pete in the hall he ignored them, still seeing the pain in their faces when they saw him. He had heard that they no longer talked to each other and heard rumors about the three of them and some huge fight over Chloe. 

Apparently their Musketeer friendship hadn't been as invisible as they'd thought. 

He started to blame Lex and then one night the memory came back to him full flood. For almost an entire year he'd managed to press it back in his subconscious. Writing Lex had originally been some form of therapy, but now it was just canned. The same things he wrote and said over and over. He thought that if Lex would just forgive his stupidity, he could go on with his life. Lex didn't even have to come back, or look at him, or talk to him at all. Just three little words on a scratch piece of paper could have saved Clark Kent's sanity. 

_I forgive you_. 

But they never came. 

He started throwing things, trashing his place, his childhood fortress. He wouldn't touch the farm equipment, though, not even in his 'blind' rage. His parents didn't have the money to replace something that he selfishly ruined. Even if it was in blind anger and utter despair. 

In place, he ruined his own stuff. His radio went first. The books from the bookshelf. The bookshelf itself. Then the telescope. Lana came in just as he hoisted the couch over his head and threw it out the window, listening to it splinter into a thousand pieces. His parents were in Metropolis, so there was no worry that they would overhear his tantrum. 

Clark heard Lana's gasp and a book fall. He'd spun around in a blur and just stood there, numb to the discovery, completely unsure as to where to start. Lana was silent for about a minute then spoke to him. "I never knew you had such a temper, Clark. And talk about needing damage control." 

He had laughed a little, then- as all the energy had suddenly been wiped from his alien body- collapsed onto the floor. He felt like a pathetic blob that had no strength to do anything but weep. 

Lana had run to him and rocked him and, when he was strong enough to merely sob, everything about him came out. She stayed there and listened. 

It was the beginning of Clark's mending.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. Chapter Five: I Don't Know

TITLE: Stigmatized (6/10) [incl. prologue & epilogue]   
AUTHOR: Nymph Du Pave   
FANDOM: Smallville   
PAIRING: Lex Luthor/Clark Kent.   
RATING: PG-13   
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com 

* * *

** Stigmatized**   
** by Nymph Du Pave**

CHAPTER FIVE:   
_I don't know_

"How are you doing?" 

Clark didn't turn around but kept his attention on the pipe he was soldering. He was seconds from being finished. 

"Chipper and dandy," he joked. 

There was silence as he finished, turned off the iron and crawled out from under the Talon's bar. He smiled up at Lana, standing just on the inside of the bar. He recognized the cobalt top- sleeveless with ties holding the shirt together- as one of several he had given her over the years. "You look beautiful as ever." 

She said nothing and he sighed. "How long have you been waiting to ask that question?" 

"Since the asshole dropped by yesterday." 

He nodded and stuck the iron on it's stand on the metal tray next to him. He didn't bother even getting up. 

"The nerve. Just showing up like that." 

"Lana-" 

"I mean he didn't write you or call you or warn you in anyway at all." 

"Maybe it was spontaneous," he thought aloud. "Maybe it was just a pit-stop to somewhere else." 

"Then why did I see him at Dalton's bookstore earlier this morning?" 

Dalton's. It was Lex's third favorite place in Smallville. 

He shrugged. "Maybe he just didn't know how to tell me he was coming." 

She frowned. "Have you talked to him?" 

"Not since yesterday." 

"Then why are you defending him?" 

He frowned at himself. _Good question_. 

"Don't tell me you've decided to forgive him." 

_For turning me into this? A callus, bitter, completely lost eighteen year old?_

"Not a chance." 

"Then why-" 

"I don't know, Lana. Habit, I guess." 

Her look softened. "You grew out of that habit about two years ago. Remember?" 

He did, but he said nothing. 

Lana breathed in audibly and Clark new she was going to bring up something else he didn't want to talk about. 

"I dropped by your house this morning. When you didn't show up, I figured you needed your space, but... You didn't call me, and-" 

"I'm sorry." 

She shook her head. "Don't be silly, Clark. I was just worried about you emotionally. Your parents on the other hand... They told me that you didn't come home last night. Didn't even call." 

He shrugged and looked down at the tools he was using to fix the pipes. He was going to need more lead. 

"Then I go shopping with Nell, get back to see you working with you father as if nothing happened." 

Clark smiled grimly. "If that were true, I would have been suffering through one of Dad's memorial 'when-I-was-your-age-Phil-Kastin-and-I' stories. Instead, he flipped on music as soon as we got here." 

"He just doesn't understand you, Clark." 

"I know." 

"He hasn't ever since-" 

"Lex left?" he asked harshly. 

She kneeled in front of him. He still refused to meet her eyes. 

"Where were you last night, Clark?" 

He was going to need more iron _and_ a few patches. Damn it. "Nowhere really." 

"Clark." 

"I was just out thinking." 

"About?" 

"What you think, Lana?" he snapped and instantly regretted it. "Sorry." 

She smiled. "Don't be. I'm getting to the Clark under the bullshit façade." 

They shared a look for a minute and she reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. "Where were you last night?" 

He sighed. "A cornfield." 

"But your father looked everywhere." 

_Great. Add to the guilt_, he thought. Jonathon hadn't mentioned looking at all. 

"He said you weren't in any of the fields. Sometimes you do work-" 

He shook his head. "I think it was either Jessica's dad's or Mr. and Mrs. Fairgold's." He leaned back against the counter, enjoying Lana's continued soothing touch. "I didn't get any sleep. I ran home real quick, got dressed, messed up the bed, grabbed some food from the fridge then ran out to do my chores." 

"You thought your parents would fall for that old mess-up-the-bed trick?" 

"My father did until he asked when I got in and I said two. I overheard him talking to mom and she said the last time she checked on me was at four." 

"Overheard?" she asked suspiciously. She could guess he'd overheard with his heightened sense of hearing. 

He shrugged and decided to get to the point. He knew what Lana really wanted to know about. "Lex said yesterday he wanted to talk. That he had a lot to say." 

"Interesting." Lana's voice was cold and he relished in her protectiveness. "Did he even ask how you were? If you hated him? If you'd forgive his damned, bald ass for treating you like shit? Or was it all about 'Lex Luthor the Great'?" 

He ignored the sudden burning in his eyes as he realized that, no, Lex hadn't asked how he was. 

_Bastard_. 

Lana didn't miss the tears. "God, Clark, I'm so sorry... Are you going to tell your parents anything?" 

Clark shook his head and closed his eyes. He never told them about what caused his original depression. There would be a lot of backstory and he was sure that it would be far too much for his father to take in right now. Possibly ever. As far as his parents were concerned, he and Lana would make the perfect couple if only that 'darned silly girl would take a good look at just what she's got in front of her'. And there was the chance that they would if... If he could only change the past and warp both their hearts into different shapes. Maybe, just maybe then the blocks would fit into the holes. 

"I really just wish that everything could go back to the way it was before he came back. I'm so far past wishing he never left that it hurts. I just want him gone, you know? For fucking ever, Lana. Out of my mind once and for all." 

Even as part of her nodded, his stomach twisted strangely. There was truth in his words but not… Not the whole truth. Not even close to half the truth. 

And he could tell she knew it. 

He growled in frustration. "I mean, why the fuck did he even come back?" 

"That was what I was planning on telling you yesterday." 

Clark's head suddenly throbbed and Lana stood up. He watched her pretty face contort with rage. "Mr. Luthor," she started coldly. "May I help you?" 

Clark resisted the strong urge to use his X-Ray vision on the bar. 

"No, thank you, Miss Lang," he started amiably. "But I would like to speak with Clark." 

"I don't-" 

Clark stood up and felt assaulted with the view as his head started to pound and his heart sped up. Lex's face went from polite to tense and needy in a flash and Clark wondered when his friend had become so bad at hiding his emotions. "I'm a little busy at the moment-" 

Lex's face fell. "I understand. I'll go." 

"-but," continued Clark. "If you want to meet later…" He trailed off at the hopeful look on Lex's face, thrown a little off course as he realized that Lex hadn't gotten bad a hiding his emotions. He just no longer cared. 

_He wants me to know what he's feeling. Like he's got nothing to lose_. 

"I'd like to," Lex said softly. 

Clark saw Lana look at him from the corner of his eye and knew what she was thinking. He was too vulnerable, even after three years. He couldn't hold a grudge, not when the wrong doing was against him. Against someone he loved no problem but himself? She knew he hadn't even liked himself in years, much less loved himself. In her eyes he would just want to make everything better, especially since Lex was obviously hurting. 

_Well_, he thought. _I'll just have to fight to prove her wrong._

"I have this number," started Lex after a couple moments of silence. "And your home number." 

Clark tensed. He didn't want Lex anywhere near his home, or even calling it. The farmhouse and his fortress had become sanctuaries once again. Inviting what made him miserable into that peaceful place… The blasphemous act would taint it. "Don't call my house." 

Lex looked down at his shoes. "Right. I sort of lost that privilege, huh?" 

His brain wanted to shout 'duh!' but his heart was too dumbfounded. 

"I'd say," muttered Lana. 

Clark didn't know what to make of the whole situation. It was like something happened when he kissed Lex three years ago. Like the instant his eyes shut Lex was replaced with some cold, hard robot and the real Lex had just come to, ready to be buddies again and apologize for his unwitting proxy's mistakes. 

"You still have a cell phone?" asked Clark, his voice gruff. 

Lex nodded and opened his coat, grabbing a pen and pad from inside. He jotted the number down and ripped off the piece of paper, walking towards Clark. He offered the number timidly, as if he were afraid that Clark would throw something at him and tell him to fuck off. 

From the look Lana was giving him, Clark figured Lex at least had a reason to worry. 

Clark took the number, careful to avoid touching Lex where, three years ago, he would have taken the opportunity to graze fingers. "I'll call you when I'm finished here." 

Lex nodded. "Okay." He looked hesitant to leave, walking backwards for a minute. He smiled thinly and turned. 

When he was gone Lana turned to him. "What are you doing, Clark?" 

He shoved the paper with Lex's number on it carelessly into his back pocket. "I don't know." 

"What is there to talk about?" 

"I don't know." 

"Why are you being so nice to-" 

"I don't know, Lana!" He turned the soldering iron back on. "I just- I-" 

She bent down, hands in his hair again. "What, Clark?" 

He sighed. "I don't know."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Chapter Six: Confrontation

TITLE: Stigmatized (7/9) [incl. prologue & epilogue]   
AUTHOR: Nymph Du Pave   
FANDOM: Smallville   
PAIRING: Lex Luthor/Clark Kent.   
RATING: PG-13   
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com 

* * *

** Stigmatized**   
** by Nymph Du Pave**

CHAPTER SIX:   
_Confrontation_

Clark walked out of the Talon, stretching, and heard Lana lock the door behind him. He'd been able to fix every single one of the pipes at the Talon with help from his father and very little aid from his powers. How would he have gone about soldering at superspeed when the iron could only get so hot? 

_Now all I've got to do is repair the counters and plaster that one wall_. 

He stretched his sore and cramped fingers, then pulled from his pocket out the sheet of paper. It had been an absent gesture as he hadn't even been thinking about Lex. 

_Lex_, his mind supplied. It was so hard to believe the boy was back. 

_The man_, he corrected himself. _The _man. _He was never really a boy. _Clark saw the taillights from that night in the back of his mind_. Maybe he was never even truly your friend._

Though he didn't feel the chill in the air, he'd shrugged on his lambskin coat- a present from Lana- and watched his breath plume in the night air. It was dark but clear. The stars shone down upon him. He hadn't looked at them with more than a paasing glance in years. He just never fel the urge. His curiousity about Earth, and himself, about where he was from, about life in general and his people... It had gone away with Lex. 

Lex. The piece of paper felt odd in his hands, thick, foreign. The thought of calling Lex made him feel weak and nauseous. He just wasn't ready, that was all. 

_Maybe I never will be_. 

The Beanery was still open across the street. Ever since the Talon opened it had been extending it's hours far past that of Lana's closing time and even with the Talon temporarily closed for repairs the Beanery was keeping with the competitive hours. 

He couldn't remember the last time he was in there as just a customer and not a spy, but a cold frappuccino sounded so incredibly good. 

He looked both ways, crossed the street and stopped in his tracks at the sight of a brand new, bright gold Bentley. He wanted to tell himself that it wasn't Lex's, that it could be anyone's but he knew he would only be lying to himself. The only excuse he could come up with would be one about the Bentley being too adult for Lex's taste and, really, he couldn't make that call. Not anymore. He no longer knew Lex and that hurt worse than seeing the young man so suddenly. 

After three years of being ignored all Clark still wanted to do was know Lex Luthor as intimately as possible. All he wanted to do was love and receive love in return. Hold Lex in his arms at all hours of the day. Call the older man his lover. Take all the pain that Lex had ever experienced and shove it deep inside himself so that Lex wouldn't have to bear the ridiculous weight of a life that clearly hated him. After everything that Lex had done to him, after the begging and the humiliation and being turned on, betrayed, even if he had been warned… 

After being treated as if he never even existed Clark only wanted to make himself Lex's forever. 

He shook his head. He couldn't go in now. 

Taking a deep breath, he looked into the Beanery's window, eyes sore and needy for the familiar pale face that haunted his dreams still. He managed a wary look inside, eyes homing in on their target immediately. 

The boy sat, looking cozy in an overstuffed chair, drinking coffee and reading the café's copy of Sympathy for the Devil by Holly Lisle. Clark knew the book. It was a story about a nurse who wished all the souls in hell a second chance to repent, a second chance to be something more. It seemed appropriate to the situation. A second chance for the condemned. Clark agreed with the book's message, but after what Lex did to him… Was it possible to give him a second chance? Without always remembering the pain he'd endured for so long? 

Clark frowned, looking his old friend over. Something about Lex that didn't seem to fit... It was the clothes. He was in a loose purple pullover and black slacks. Without the overcoat from yesterday, Clark could see that he'd lost much of his body mass. 

_There used to be a lot more of him_, he thought, suddenly a little disconcerted. He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed the hollowness of Lex's features in the already too sallow skin. Sunken cheeks that had once been sinfully voluptuous, lips thinner than they once were, dark half moons under Lex's eyes… 

_He looks like he works all day and never once stops to eat. How the fuck did I not notice this? How could I have-_

A horn broke his concentration and he turned to see one of his neighbors waving him off the road. "Come on there, Clark! What'cha doing?" 

He plastered on a false grin and waved. "Sorry Mr. Franklin. Got a little cloudy-headed, there." 

"I'd say!" Clark waved at the man as he pulled away. He felt Lex's eyes on him, but couldn't dare meet them. They once fell on his back with a familiar tingle, a loving kind of caress. Now that Clark knew no desire lay within those heart-stilling blues, it was more of an unpleasant shiver. He missed the ecstasy and exhilaration of his teenage ignorance and horny hopefulness. The world had once been bright and filled with so many possibilities. He thought that one fine day Lex's arms would open wide and he'd never leave his lover's side. He figured college was in his future. College, majoring in journalism. Then reporter, then, hopefully, editor. Then maybe the big time: Editor _in Chief_. All with Lex by his side and, if he were so damned lucky, in his bed. He'd dreamed of so many different sexual situations with Lex so many different ways that their friendship could become more. 

He'd not once thought it would become less, much less cease to exist entirely. 

He sighed. He had to get home. 

Clark walked to the corner and, once out of sight, took off as fast as he could. 

+_+_+_+_+ 

"I'm leaving, okay?" 

He switched off the power screwdriver and looked over the countertop at Lana. She was so cute in the skirt with suspenders and the tube top. It had taken him forever to convince her to wear things like it. He smiled. With the mid-calf lace-up leather boots and braided pigtails- also of his influence- he could almost see himself finding her alluring. Almost. 

If only Lex hadn't ruined his libido for every other human being on earth. "What for?" 

"Well, I can't be of any help and you obviously don't want to talk-" She held up a hand to stop the protest she knew was coming before he even opened his mouth. "It's not a bad thing, Clark. You just need to think. And I've got to get some air. I don't see how you can work in here with just that portable fan." 

"I don't want you wasting the AC on just me." 

"It wouldn't be a waste." 

He didn't want to get into the same old argument so he just smiled and rolled his eyes. "Go. And bring me a soda if you come back, okay?" 

"Okay. I'll only be about an hour." 

She left and Clark ducked back down. He placed the last screw to the hinge when he heard the footsteps. 

He groaned in humor at his best friend's predictibility. "Yes, Lana, I'm sure the single fan is okay. No, I don't want anything more than a soda, and get going before I make you help me with the plaster. I love you to pieces but you're harder to get rid of than Whitney was." 

He stood up to find Lex standing with his hands in his pockets. They both stood for a moment in a heavy but somehow comfortable silence. 

"So," Lex started. "Whitney was harder to get rid of than I thought?" 

Clark fidgeted with the power tool. "Actually, Lex, that wasn't how I meant it." 

"Really?" One eyebrow up no disbelieving but in a request for explanation. 

"It has nothing to do with Lana. He was a pretty cool guy once you got to know him." 

"You mean when he wasn't stringing up farmboys in corn-" 

"That was years ago, Lex. You hold grudges that long? For people you never knew?" 

Lex looked to the floor. "Do you?" 

Disbelief casused anger to flare in Clark's cheeks. "After everything you- I have damned good reason, you- you arrogant- ass." He shut his eyes and breathed in and out. "Then again, you're right. I never did know you, did I?" 

He opened his eyes to see a hurt Lex staring at him. "There were things Clark. Things I felt I couldn't tell you, things-" 

"Things you couldn't tell me?" he asked. "_Me_? Your supposed '_best friend_'?" 

Lex's eyes grew dark and pained. He stepped closer. "Yeah, Clark. Things I couldn't tell you. You want to contest that? You want to disavow the truth I'm giving you now and declare your ever-long honesty with me?" 

Clark looked at the countertop, guilt flooding inside his stomach. 

"You want to tell me how you were always up front with me?" 

"Okay, Lex. I get your point." 

"You want to berate me for hiding things after everything you've hidden from me?" 

"Okay, I-" 

"I still don't know who or- or _what_ you are." 

The 'what' hurt. "I've got it, Lex!" he shouted. "Did you come back to Smallville just to remind me of the past? Of the lies and the humiliation and the pain? Because if so you're doing a great fucking job!" 

"No, Clark," he said softly. "I came to explain." He lifted his chin. "And beg your forgiveness." 

Clark snorted. "Luthor's don't beg." 

"This one will." 

"AND WHERE DID THAT GET ME?" Lex's eyes shown brightly at his outburst. He felt his own tears rising up from years of loss, of guilt, of agony; the worst suffering a human could bear: the tried and failed reparation of a demolished heart. He put the power tool down before he got too angry and threw it across the country. 

"I can't-" 

"Where?" Clark interrupted vehemently. "I begged, Lex. _Begged._ And what? Nothing. Nothing but taillights I couldn't follow, loss I couldn't rid myself of and- And a love I couldn't fucking shut out." 

Lex closed his eyes tight, the tears falling, but Clark couldn't stop. As much as this hurt him, they were the words he needed to say. 

"I wrote you for how long, Lex?" 

"Over a year," came the boy's paper-thin whisper. 

His stomach tighened in rage. He'd known that Lex had been recieving and returning but something about having Lex admit it made it all the more tangible, more real and so much more painful. He sobbed once, gently and saw Lex become more emotional at the sound. "All I ever wanted in the whole goddamned world was your forgiveness for that night. That stupid, senseless night. It wasn't like I betrayed you, Lex. It wasn't like I tried to kill you. All I did was kiss you. All I did was love you." 

Lex flinched. "God, Clark-" 

"How could you hate me for that? How? How in the world could you hate me for wanting to love you?" 

"I didn't hate you." 

"I would have done anything to make you happy, Lex. I was going to tell you everything if you chose to stay. Everything that you wanted to know. I would have taken you away from here. I would have make it so that your father could never hurt you again. But, no." His anger returned at the sudden recollection of him on his knees for Lex. "You treated me like some cheap toy you suddenly got bored with. I was on the ground, in the dirt for you, Lex. Begging you. For more than a year I wrote you, begging again and again for your forgiveness. You kept me on my knees for so long." He swallowed, his throat painfully constricted. "I don't think you coming here and saying '_please_' is going to do jack-shit." 

He turned his back on Lex, but he could still see the boy in the mirror out of the corner of his eye. 

"I never hated-" 

"What were the words?" he hissed, not wanting to hear Lex tell him he didn't hate him. He might belive him. "Oh, yes, I remember. There were so many of them, you know, but I remember them all. How about '_Hell, Kent, you with your family's financial situation, had a better chance trying to buy me_'?" He saw Lex turn his face to the side in what he assumed to be shame. "Then there was me groveling, making an 'ass' out of myself apparently. A lonely fifteen year old who knew only that his best friend was leaving and maybe it was because he'd just put the moves on him." 

"I-" 

"And then your answer to my question about our destiny." 

Lex looked up. Rapid blinking and now the tears were streaming from both their eyes. "Please, Clark, don't say it." 

He spun around enraged, the poison in his heart seeming to grow more and more lethal. "'Don't say it'? '_Don't say it_'? Fuck you, Lex! Fuck! You! If anything your treatment of me for something so stupid, an action so hormonal, that- Jesus, Lex, I deserve more than to just say that." 

Lex looked at him and walked towards the counter. "You have the right to condemn my soul to hell and back for what I've done to you," he started, his voice strong with years of pain and self-hatred. If there were any two things Clark would recognize within Lex's demeanor... "You have the right to smash me into a million pieces. You have the right to pulverize me, hate me, fucking kill me for what I've done to you. It won't matter, Clark." His voice cracked. "My heart's already been shredded into a million pieces and sent to the indefinite corners of oblivion. Nothing you could possibly say could kill me now." 

_How about 'I still love you'? How about 'I still want you'?_

He shook his head. "I know what I've said. I have nightmares still. I don't go a single day without remembering what I did to the only other person I ever loved in my entire life." 

Clark's breath hitched, but he refused to be swayed. "Loved? Loved? You don't know the meaning of the word love, Lex." 

"Wrong, Kent." 

"Oh, really." He shook his head in familiar disgust he hoped would shine through. "You're the bastard you always said you were. I should have listened before I got hurt." 

The abandoned and broken look in Lex's eyes shot through his soul like an arrow on fire, ripping into his conscience. 

"You don't get to look like that," he shouted desperately. "YOU have NO RIGHT to look betrayed by ME." 

Lex turned and walked towards the door. "You're right, Clark," he started, his voice not just flat but completely dead. Like nothing else on earth was worth living for anymore. "I've got no right. None. None to even be here right now. Just go on thinking that I never had any other motivation. It'll make things easier. Maybe for us both." He stopped by the door and Clark could see the tears still falling. "I hate you. I've never loved you and I don't deserve your forgiveness." His face shattered in a wreck of emotions. "I'm sorry I ever expected it of you. I thought- I thought you were someone else." 

Clark shook his head. "You killed that person, Lex. He no longer exists." 

Lex nodded to himself. "And I'll have to take that to my grave. Goodbye, Clark." He walked out of the Talon. 

Clark collapsed on the floor and began to sob.   
  
  
  
  
  
  


**The ending very, very soon.**


	8. Chapter Seven: The Truth...

TITLE: Stigmatized (8/10) [incl. prologue & epilogue]   
AUTHOR: Nymph Du Pave   
FANDOM: Smallville   
PAIRING: Lex Luthor/Clark Kent.   
RATING: PG-13   
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com 

* * *

** Stigmatized**   
** by Nymph Du Pave**

CHAPTER SEVEN:   
_The Truth..._

Everything had gone so very poorly. He'd said things that he shouldn't have. 

_Not in a million fucking years, Kent. What the _fuck _was wrong with you?_

He still wanted to protect Lex, wanted to take away all the pain and then… He'd caused some. He'd been the reason for the death in Lex's eyes. He couldn't live with that. Not now, not ever. 

What had really made him mad was how easily and readily he was to accept Lex's apology and how Lex knew him well enough to expect that forgiveness. Lex hadn't worried at all, it seemed. Had treated Clark's apology like it was a for sure thing. 

Clark had suffered for three years from the loss of Lex and he'd only wanted forgiveness. Then Lex shows up without fair warning, still hadn't given Clark that absolution, and expected Clark to nod like a good little boy and say "Gee, Lex. You're sorry? Really? Well, Golly-jeepers, Lex, of course I can forgive you. I'm just like that, you know." 

There was something in him that didn't think Lex should get off so fucking easy. But then the rest of him just wanted this all to be over and over right fucking now. That was the part of him that was driving to the Luthor Manor in his father's rusty old pick-up. It was a miracle the damned thing still worked. 

He pulled into the open gate, surprised to see it unlocked and open and drove around to the side entrance out of habit. He ignored all the sensations that were pressing to come back; the friendly visits, intimate talks, the hard feelings of love for the boy that took time from his ever growing schedule just to sit and talk to Clark. The rush of sorrow, guilt and self-hate when he found that Lex was gone. 

Would he ever forget that hollow feeling of loss and complete desperate helplessness? He doubted it. 

He got out of the truck and slammed the door, looking past the trees and towards the lake. How many times had he and Lex taken short strolls? Picnicked? Talked? Canoed? It was impossible for him to count. They'd even ice-skated a couple times- once Shawn Kelvin was removed and taken to STAR Labs- and Lex had turned out to be a surprisingly good skater. 

Clark shoved his hands in the back of his jeans and started towards the lake. He'd pretended to fall a couple of times just so Lex would help him up. Twice the ice had come out from Lex's feet and he tumbled right on top of Clark. He'd never forgotten the feel of Lex's body on top of his, slim hips and warm breath, legs and tingles that the touching and discrete groping had caused. In his most hopeful moments Clark thought that those slips might have been on purpose, the contact resulting actually desired. 

_We were so physically comfortable around each other. How could I not wonder and wish? Nobody feels that comfortable around someone else unless they're in love._

He looked up from the ground as he neared the edge of the clearing and saw Lex leaning against a large tree and looking over the lake. There was a pile of rocks and pebbles by his side. 

Clark wanted to feel anger at the person who destroyed him. Wanted to hate the selfish rich boy that had smashed the sweet, hopeful and very innocent farmboy he was, but… He just couldn't. Something in Lex's forlorn look made him realize- not just know, but actually _understand_- that there was more to the story than just his own side. His fears and cuts suddenly seemed like very old wounds, ones that, though they felt like they would never heal, would in time, dissolve to less and less as he began to understand more around him. And he wanted to understand. He wanted to let go. 

Maybe this was how to do it. "What was it?" he asked. 

Lex didn't answer, just looked down at the pile of stones by his feet. He didn't seem surprised that Clark was there. 

Clark took a few steps forward. 

"What was it that you left me for?" 

Lex sighed. "You remember the fun we had out here, Clark?" 

Clark didn't speak. Lex knew he remembered. 

"I dreamed of it. On my better days, I dreamed of us and the good times you gave me." He stood brushing himself off. "I didn't have many of those. Good days." He winced and met Clark's eyes for the first time since Clark had approached him. "Not that I deserved them at all. The nightmares were more fitting to my deceptions." 

_Deceptions?_ "Lex, I-" 

"I was dying, Clark," Lex's eyes looked bleak and dead. "Still am." 

"I hurt too, Lex, but you should have-" 

"No, Clark. I'm dying. Not just emotionally. Physically." 

Everything in Clark's body stopped. He felt frozen to the spot, unable to speak, to move, to breathe.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	9. Chapter Eight: ...Will Set You Free

TITLE: Stigmatized (9/10) [incl. prologue & epilogue]   
AUTHOR: Nymph Du Pave   
FANDOM: Smallville   
PAIRING: Lex Luthor/Clark Kent.   
RATING: PG-13   
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com 

* * *

** Stigmatized**   
** by Nymph Du Pave**

CHAPTER EIGHT:   
_... shall set you free._

_Dying_... 

"No," he croaked. 

"I knew you loved me, Clark. And I loved you." Lex walked forward. "More than you'll ever know. More than you could ever comprehend, Clark. And when you kissed me…" He stopped three feet from Clark. "I felt every pain I'd ever experienced dissolve. Everything in my body tingled and for an instant-" He took a shuddering breath in. "For an instant, Kent, you made me feel free. I felt alive and like I _deserved_ that life. Then the memory of my disease came crashing back. The disease and that memory of my mother. How she died, how she left me. How I felt." 

"Oh, Lex." Clark took a step forward feeling his body melting, feeling the compassion and love overriding everything else in his world, in _their_ world. Because it was again, if only for this moment. It was theirs. 

"I couldn't love you so much, Clark, and leave you with that feeling. I- I couldn't do that to you." 

Clark felt hot liquid making it's trail down his face and he reached up to touch Lex's soft cheek. Lex pressed himself desperately to the hand, like any second it was be wrenched away from him. After years of being so lost and confused, touching Lex was like coming home. It was like seeing the sun after being thrown into years of overcast weather. Something so familiar and yet so exotic; beautiful and frightening. 

_To come back here after so long._

"You did love me," he whispered, astonished. 

"With everything I had, Clark. With everything." Lex's voice was no more than a weak whisper. "I would have done anything to stay with you, to return your kiss. To fall into your arms and tell you the truth. But I couldn't leave this world with the knowledge that I had given you the pain that my mother gave me. I saw how it ripped her to pieces. She lasted that long, fought that hard, just so she wouldn't be leaving me. She didn't want to leave me alone, with what was left of my father and the memory of Julian. She couldn't do it and when she died… I've never seen such a sad face. I didn't want to die like that." 

He sobbed heavily and Clark pulled him into a close embrace. "It's okay, Lex. Let it out." 

"I didn't want to leave my true love in pain." 

Clark felt heated and depressed all over. _God, and I've been so self-centered. I never even kept up with him in the papers. I never even tried to figure out why. I just wanted forgiveness for my actions._

"Because you are, Clark. You always were the only person I could ever love. The way you believed in me and looked at me-" He pulled back. "When I wasn't having nightmares about the way I left you, I was dreaming of us together. I didn't get many of them, but the few I got made my life so much better. Do you still dream of the stars?" 

Clark shook his head as he wiped the tears from Lex's face. "I don't do much dreaming anymore." 

Lex's face crumpled. "Clark… It's completely my fault. I wrecked everything you were." 

Clark shook his head, heart thumping hard at the truth his mind once and for so long refused to see. "I did it to myself, Lex. You were the only person I wanted- I'd ever want. When you left me, I became so self-involved. I thought, if there was no you, I only had one purpose in life. Help others. I never took time for myself other than to grieve, other than to mope." 

"You treated yourself like a robot?" Lex shook his head sadly, slowly. "I'm so sorry, Clark. I did the wrong thing, made the wrong move. I just thought that if you hated me you wouldn't grieve my death, and I could die in peace. I didn't want to leave the only other person who ever loved me in pain. I already caused my mother that pain when she-" 

He broke down in tears and slipped through Clark's grasp, falling to the ground. 

Clark dropped to his knees, pulled Lex to him and let the boy cry hard. He ignored his own tears; they were a familiar enough companion, but this time they were mostly for Lex. Lex and the time they'd lost because the boy loved him too much to love him and leave him. 

Clark felt dizzy at the harshness of Lex's life. It was beyond not being fair. This was pure cruelty. In Lex Luthor's life only two people had ever shown affection and devotion towards him. His mother and Clark. They loved him because they saw the beautiful side of him- a side that time had eventually shunned from the world. A world that viewed him as a rich, bald scion as bad as his father and as ungrateful as they come. 

Lex's mother gave him a familial love, cherished the mother/son bond between them and died a horrible death of painful disease. 

Now it was his turn to suffer the same fate, only he had the choice to leave someone suffering or in hatred. Since hatred was the one thing he knew best, he left Clark with what he thought would be enough of an impetus to make the farmboy hate him. It wasn't, but Lex didn't know that. 

Clark pulled Lex back from his shoulder and looked him in the eyes. "What made you come back, Lex? What made you want to tell me the truth now?" 

Lex's eyes crowded with tears and Clark could tell he was trying to hold them back. "It's selfish, I know, but I realized that I couldn't die having the most amazing person still alive on Earth hate me. Forgive me, Clark. I'm a coward, I know. I- I wasn't going to tell you everything about… about how I'm dying and how I never stopped loving you." He searched Clark's eyes. "Can you forgive me for being so stupid and treating you like I have?" 

There were no words he could think of to express what he felt, so he did the only thing that came to mind. He kissed Lex. Softly and in need of contact and with purity. If it was the one thing that could take away Lex's pain, even for a second, Clark wanted to help. Clark wanted to do that. 

Lex gasped and pressed hard to Clark. He moaned and nipped at Clark's lips. "Kiss me," he pleaded. "Please, Clark. Like you did before. I can't ask for anything else." 

Clark wrapped his arms around Lex's waist. "I'd do anything for you." He pulled at Lex's lips with his own. "I still love you, you know. I never stopped. I never hated you. Don't think I could. I just wanted to understand." 

Lex shuddered against him. "I know. I'm sorry. I love you, too, Clark. Please understand that I-" 

"Shhh," he whispered. "I'm going to kiss you now." 

Lex shut his eyes tight. "Okay." 

"No. Don't close your eyes. Open them. See me. This won't be our last kiss, I promise." 

The instant Lex opened his eyes, Clark smiled and kissed him lightly. "I love you. It's amazing. I can't say it enough." 

He waited for Lex to open his mouth to respond, the slipped his tongue through the breech. He plunged in and probed like this _was_ their last kiss, like this was their first kiss. Their only kiss. 

Lex held him tight, moaning and shuddering, taking everything Clark gave him. Hands threaded through Clark's hair and caused shivers down his back. 

He pulled away from Lex and the boy curled into his arms. "Clark, I've been living just in the hopes that this would one day happen again." 

"Lex?" Clark was suddenly fearful. 

"Yes?" 

"How- How, um, God." He breathed in deeply then let it out. "How long do you have left?" 

The tears welled up again as Lex snuggled deeper into his aching, pounding chest. How long would he have to know the feel of Lex against him like this? 

"Depends on which expert you talk to. If I do everything right, everything I'm supposed to, anywhere from a month and a half to a year." 

Clark began to shake. A month and a half was such a tiny amount of time. Not even a hundredth of a thimbleful lifespan-wise. 

"What are you going to do?" 

"Well, if it's okay with you," Lex looked up. "I want to spend every second I can by your side." 

Clark kissed him then held him tight. "I think it's more than okay with me."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. Epilogue: Out of Love

TITLE: Stigmatized (10/10) [incl. prologue & epilogue]   
AUTHOR: Nymph Du Pave   
FANDOM: Smallville   
PAIRING: Lex Luthor/Clark Kent.   
RATING: PG-13   
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com 

* * *

** Stigmatized**   
** by Nymph Du Pave**

EPILOGUE:   
_Out of Love_

"Lex Luthor was an amazing friend, someone that very few people ever truly knew." Clark fought back the tears that threatened to deny Lex his moment of peace and rest. He would not cry over Lex's body. He'd promised himself and Lex this. It wouldn't happen. 

He took a deep breath in and steadied his nerves. "I really am not sure any words I could say could ever bring to life what Lex was to me. If you knew him you had your own opinion and his lover standing here speaking words of love and devotion in front of a crowd can't change what you saw." He straightened himself in pride. He could do this. 

"Some people saw a bastard whose only motivation was greed," he began. "Others saw a son in search of his father's hard-won fortune. Many saw a rich, spoiled brat, used to getting what he wanted. This is mostly what the tabloids shouted in headlines and sidebars. 

"Still, others saw him as a kind magnate, someone whose life of ease and riches didn't blind him to the existence of that pain in the lives of the less fortunate. He gave to charities not only with his money, but with his time. He trusted up-and-comers and proved himself far past the nepotistic ways many saw the Luthor family solely capable of." 

Clark looked to his mother, father and Lana, sitting close to his left. Lana smiled sweetly in support and it was all he needed. His parents and Lana loved him. Lex still loved him. He always would. 

"I saw a friend. When I first met him Lex, was in need of a friend, someone to believe in him. Someone to trust and to love him. I lost him and then he came back to me. Life was never easy for Lex, but he tried his best to make it as good as it got for those that he loved. For those that he cared about." 

He swallowed and paused. "And now he's gone. The only person I'm sure I'll ever love like I loved him, and everything was so short and so perfect. It all just seemed to fit. He made me promise to go on with my life without him, to find my strengths and succeed in my purpose. To devote my life to what seemed important and good. And I'll do that." Clark laughed softly to himself. "He and my father seemed to teach me things along the same lines." He smiled at Jonathon. "They just never seemed to be able to see eye to eye." When his father smiled back he felt warmth in his stomach. 

"There's a poem that I read awhile back." He laughed softly. "Something in one of Lex's many volumes and I felt it appropriate." 

Clark shut his eyes and pulled to him a picture of Lex in his mind. He hadn't needed notes so far and he wouldn't for the next part. The words seemed emblazoned on his sore heart.   


"I can't take the stars anymore,   
the loneliness has exceeded barter value.   
Sweet, bitter mourning no more,   
today it's just the validity of pain,   
and the silence I hear, that is overwhelming. 

"The sorrow has arrived at new depths,   
and the grief; they can't be reformed.   
For until I can recover from this moment,   
stop my heart and let it not beat,   
and pray for the end of the deadly silence. 

"I can't take the stars anymore,   
their brilliance abounds unrestrained.   
Loves live and die by the galaxy,   
I don't wish it to be my map henceforth.   
Maybe then the spiteful silence will stop."   


He looked over the crowd of hundreds and wondered why he thought his fear of public speaking was going to affect him here. It just didn't fit. This was about Lex, about his life and his death. There was no place for fear. Just celebration of a life and grief over a loss. 

He smiled at the cameras and people. "Lex was told to do one thing and he'd do it… if it suited his purpose." There were titters which was a better reaction than he'd expected. "There were so many sides of Lex that, even after fifteen years as best friends, I was just discovering. His most amazing was his strength and ability to beat the odds. He did it in his business, with his friendships and finally with his life. Doctors kept telling him he had very little time left. He stopped seeing them shortly after coming back to me and lived another twelve years, eleven longer than the most extended expectations." 

He looked to the closed casket below him and to his right. It was white and pristine and gorgeous. It fit how Clark saw Lex's soul. 

"I think that's really what anyone can learn from him," he said. "Fight for what you want, try your best to know yourself and believe in making your own destiny. That's what he taught me."   


**THE END**   



End file.
